TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely outside of place. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let's have A different put the place American Adult men can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although previous negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer you Everybody a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It really is that he need to prevent working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You realize, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from House, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after getting the constructing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It's not only unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Attributes


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "where's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel the place my PTSD might have flip-down assistance."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower Trump Tower Damascus could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

Report this page